Life After the Carriage

"First comes love, then comes marriage; here comes 'Betty' pushing a baby carriage."

You remember the children's taunt that began with "'Bob' and 'Jill' sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g." As children we'd crank up that little jingle whenever a friend had a crush in order to embarrass them. For boys I'm sure that ditty always brought a blush of shame; for the girls, it was usually more a blush of excitement followed by a giggle of glee!

Well, now that we're moms; we're beyond this. We're living life after the carriage, so to speak. But, there are no straightforward, easy-to-follow guidelines for this stage set to a particular beat so we can remember them. We did okay with the checklist: Love, check. Marriage, check. Baby carriage, check!

Often, we as moms feel like we're aimlessly wandering around looking for some direction as our newborn screams his head off for no apparent reason for hours on end or our toddler pitches a fit when we try to help her get food to her mouth or our five-year-old refuses to eat his vegetables and drink his milk or our teenager's hair is suddenly spikey and hot pink.

I have never felt as stupid, inadequate and lost as I did right after Allie was born. I questioned EVERYTHING! I even wondered--yes, I know this is ridiculous; don't laugh too hard--if it was okay for me to wear deodorant while I was nursing. I know my armpit really isn't that close to my milk supply; but, at the time, my sleep-deprived mind frantically thought Allie would ingest the deodorant and die. (Okay, maybe I didn't really think anything that extreme, but you get the point.)

How do we bathe her? How in the world are we supposed to clip the fingernails on something so tiny? Do we use powder when we change her diaper or not? What in the heck are we supposed to do when she cries constantly for three hours every night? Will I ever sleep again? How can I function on no sleep? Will I ever be able to leave the house again/will she ever nurse for less than 22 of the 24 hours in a day? Will I ever be able to eat my dinner in peace? Will she ever get on a some sort of schedule that includes naps in her crib instead of my arms? Will I ever feel like ME again?

So many questions on this side of the carriage. All the children's rhymes in the world can't prepare a mother for her job. Even with the best advice from other mom friends, we still can't be fully prepared for every situation or know what to do when faced with each question of motherhood that arises. Every child is different; every situation is different. We have to learn as we go and remember to be flexible and patient.

We'll all make mistakes. That's inevitable. But, we have to do what we think is best for our children in every situation. As long as we do that and blanket our little ones with love, we're going to make it through life after the carriage!

Encouragement

I meant to post last night but shut down my computer before I remembered--by then I was too tired to turn it back on!!

Yesterday was one of those days where things just weren't going quite right. We had napping issues and pottying issues, and I was just in a "blah" mood anyway. All day I kept thinking, "How am I going to write a positive, upbeat post on a blog for moms when I am the exact opposite of positive and upbeat?"

Then it hit me: I don't have to always be positive and upbeat or extremely helpful. I'm a mom; I have rough days just like every other mom. So, here's your encouragement: You're not alone when you have a bad day. There's nothing wrong with you; you're not a freak:) We all have them! The best thing to do is try not to let the little things (or the big things) get you down and keep pressing forward in this journey of motherhood!

Wherever you are, find fellow moms with little ones of similar ages and get together for playdates whenever you can. You can usually find this support in your church, your neighborhood or an online networking site.

Last weekend I discovered TriangleMommies.com. I have really, really enjoyed getting to "meet" moms in the area through the forums that are offered on the site. Today I got to go to my first playdate and thoroughly enjoyed putting faces with the names I'd become acquainted with online.

TriangleMommies is part of The Mommies Network. To find a group near you, click on the link. The Mommies Network started in Charlotte, NC. It never ceases to fascinate me what moms can create when they take their knowledge of a need and turn it into a passion to fill that need! (Mom4Life is proof of that--see an earlier post about this site!)

On TriangleMommies, you can find forums for each age group, many different stages of life (young moms, older moms, moms of multiples, stepmoms, pregnancy, trying to conceive, breastfeeding, etc.) and varying common interests (cooking, health, natural living, sports, movies and entertainment, etc.).

One of the hardest things about being a stay-at-home mom, especially, is the feeling of isolation (especially in the beginning). When you can't go out yet with a newborn or are tied down with constant breastfeeding, you can get online and join a forum discussion or a live chat with other moms going through similar things.

I have had several questions about things with Allie the past several days, so I've put up a few posts with these questions. Most had responses within the hour and several answers later in the day. I got a quicker answer about if twin sheets work on a toddler bed than I did when I called my pediatrician's office about Allie's half-shut swollen eye!

Anyway, I just want this post to be an encouragement to moms who feel like they're off on an island somewhere (and not in a good suntan, Mai Tai, ultimate peace and relaxation way). You're not alone, but it's up to you to find a strong system to surround you. Let me know where you find your support!

My Favorite Mom Links

I want to share my three favorite "mommy links" with you:
http://www.babiesandmomsradio.com/
http://www.mom4life.com/
http://blog.mom4life.com/

Around the time Allie was seven or eight months old, and I was at my lowest point; I discovered Babies and Moms Radio. I don't remember where I discovered them, but when I did I signed up for their podcasts. It took me a while to "get around" to listening to them. When I did, I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone in this whole "mom thing." These moms talked about real issues and activities they faced or did with their own children: teething woes and sign language with babies are the two topics that come to mind.

One of the topics stood out to me above the others, but I kept finding reasons not to listen to it. The title was "Postpartum Depression." Whenever I would glance over it I would have thoughts like: "I'm not depressed." "That's not a real thing." "Depression is a sign of weakness, and I'm not weak." "If I admit I'm depressed, I'll have to do something about it." "If I tell anyone I'm depressed, I'll have to go to a doctor; and he'll want me to get on some kind of drugs."

Well, I finally listened to it. I can't tell you what they said. I don't remember a single word. All I remember was thinking, "I'm not the only woman who struggles with these feelings?!?!?!?" A couple of the moms who host the show spoke of their own postpartum issues. That put a personal, real-life spin on it for me.

Listening to that podcast was the beginning of better times for me. Believe me, I still struggle--every day (sometimes, every minute); but at least I know now that I'm not alone.

I think the biggest frustration for me was looking around me at all these other moms who seemed to have no problem with everything. They seemed to have it all together. Not one of the many new mothers around me (I live in the "fertile" Triangle of North Carolina) talked about struggling with depression or hating being cooped up in a house all day with an often-screaming baby or resenting the physical torture you go through with delivery and breastfeeding, not to mention the extreme exhaustion from sleepless nights. NO ONE TALKED ABOUT IT; so I thought I must be the only one, and something must be wrong with me. I was obviously a terrible, unfit mother.

Anyway, the Babies and Moms Radio site led me to Mom4Life. A few brief moments of browsing at the online store had me hooked! They sell products by moms, for moms. Plus, they have free shipping AND 10 percent of every sale's proceeds goes to a pregnancy care center--now that's shopping I can get on board with (and not feel guilty)!

Soon after I discovered Mom4Life, I found Heather Ledeboer's blog. Heather is the site's owner, and one of the most remarkable, godly women I've had the privilege of "meeting" in cyberspace. Her third child, Sawyer, was born on May 10 of this year. Though his birth was beautiful and remarkable, Sawyer wasn't able to greet his family with the cry they had longed to hear. They learned a few days before he was born that his heart was no longer beating, just three weeks shy of his due date.

I have kept up with her blog posts as she has been candid and open for the whole world to see. She has shone with the love and peace of God with a faith that could only come from an almighty, sovereign Creator. Though she has cried and questioned the whys of this tragic loss; she has also rejoiced in people who have found hope through her words or comfort in their own times of loss or--and here's the best part--have come to know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior! Sawyer may have never drawn a breath outside the womb on this earth, but his life was not in vain.

Anyway, I wanted to share these awesome sites with you. If you plan on going back and reading Heather's blog from the beginning of the end of Sawyer's earthly life (and I hope you do), I would encourage you to grab a huge box of tissues! I've shed many a tear at my computer over her words through the past five months, but I wouldn't take any of them back.

I want to say a special thanks to Heather Ledeboer for taking the time to read this blog before I posted it and for allowing me to share a little bit of her story. You're such an inspiration, Heather!!